and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
