I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
