mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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