So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
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My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
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who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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