somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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