You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
