Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
