I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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