News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You pole danced in your parka.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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