I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Holy shit dude........stairs
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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