Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
