I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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