How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
