Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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