Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
