they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
