great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
