you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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