He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
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they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
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I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?