I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
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Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
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Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'