I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
