WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
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he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
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I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless