i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
