So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
