I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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