Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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