Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
