I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
