Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
