I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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