Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
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In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
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Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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