if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
So. Much. Porn.
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