He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
