Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
