wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
