yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
