I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
