oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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