It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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