so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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