I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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