I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
