I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
