Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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