My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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