I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
