found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
