pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
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im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
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I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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