You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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