I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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