He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
she pinky promised me she was 18
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
