we made out on top of his cat.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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