My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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