hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
