Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
