After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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