Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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