Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
