If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
